Isaiah 64:8- But now, O Lord, You are our Father; we are the clay and You are the potter, we are the work of Your hand.
When I look back at my life, I see over and over that this verse is describing me. Even when I acted more like jello, incapable of being shaped into into anything, I was always moldable clay in the hand of the Creator. Welcome to the final post of a five day journey telling you about myself and taking you through my “clay” journey.
As the last installment of this blog series, I would like to take a moment to say thank you! Writing these blogs has been a time of learning and growing for me and all of your comments and post shares have been so encouraging! I am truly humbled.
When part four of this blog ended, I had just turned 30 and was healing from surgery. I felt great, so I thought the surgery was the answer I needed to fix my crazy health behavior. Unfortunately, by December of that year, I was right back where I started in my same old familiar boat of sickness. I kept blaming all of my symptoms on the fact that I did not have proper nutrition due to my food allergies, but in my heart, I felt like something else was going on.
I was dealing with a lot of anxiety, everything and I mean everything stressed me, hair and eyebrow loss, incredibly sensitive teeth, a colon that was so inflamed that I looked like I was pregnant, yellow spots on my eyes, blood sugar that would drop so low that I would temporarily lose a good deal of my vision and hearing and more.
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, it did. In February of this year, I started dealing with a swollen thyroid. The thyroid organ is in the middle of the neck. Now my neck is pretty small, so there is definitely no room for anything to swell. Therefore, I felt like I was being choked. Like putting on a tie and tightening it as much as you can. This would go on for about nine days at a time then subside. With no warning or reason, it would flare back up again. I felt like I was losing my mind! That secret hopelessness, defeat and so on showed back up and brought reinforcements. My mind was being tortured.
God is never late, but always right on time! He had to leave me alone long enough for me to be so empty that I would accept Him without question. Even though I knew I was a Christian, if you’ve read the other parts of this blog then you’ll remember this, I had always felt like God was at a distance from me. I believed that He was mad at me, disappointed in me and did not think I could do anything useful for His kingdom. Totally untrue. He wanted me to need Him in such a big way that He could have a big impact and no one else could take credit for it.
At the end of February, I was reconnected with a childhood friend. We spent about four hours catching up on a Sunday afternoon. What a woman of God! She knew about my severe health battle and I confided in her about my belief that these problems were brought on by God because He was mad at me. This whole thing was my fault. Well, she straightened me out real quick! She reminded me that God was a just God and that He was a God of kindness. She warned me about the power of the mind. If I accepted what was happening to me, then my mind would believe it so strongly that sickness would come out in my actions even on days that I felt OK.
I know that sounds a little confusing, but it is so true. I had accepted that barely surviving was the hand I had been dealt in life. Therefore, I walked around believing that I was pretty much dying. Now please do not misunderstand, I was incredibly sick, but on the days that I gave into it rather than trying to fight back against my symptoms, I felt even sicker and more depressed. The thoughts of the mind are like coats. Some of them you need to put on, but others do not even need to be in your closet, much less on you!
As I continued to decline, I started to take every thought captive rather than just dealing with what was happening to me. I wanted to live. In May of this year, I saw the words Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis on Pintrest. For whatever reason, I clicked on the pin and got the shock of my life. Nearly every symptom of this diseases was describing me. I had an autoimmune disorder, not poor nutrition. I went to the doctor for some blood work and the results confirmed my suspicions. I was terrified.
I was sent for an ultrasound of my thyroid gland and the results showed that I had four nodules on my thyroid. I was advised to have the thyroid removed as the nodules could be cancerous and the disorder would eventually kill my thyroid anyway. Even though I trusted my doctor with my life, something was holding me back from the idea of surgery.
Things looked very grim and helpless no matter which direction I went. That is when I really started to call out to God. I was in a hole of helplessness and unanswered questions about the future. I needed the Great I Am more than I ever had in my life. Surrender. I was becoming His clay.
People everywhere started lifting me up in prayer. It was a truly humbling experience. Through a series of God ordained circumstances, I was able to get an appointment with an endocrinologist that was not taking any new patients. I wanted him to weigh in on this whole ordeal. So here I am, 30 years old, and I am in the office of a specialist with a folder of blood work results (people had been sticking me for weeks!) and an ultrasound cd. He looked over everything very thoughtfully and advised me to not go through with a thyroidectomy. He was concerned about my health already being so fragile and surgery may only make it worse. He suggested we wait about six months and see if I settled down a little, then we would make a decision. He also wanted a repeat thyroid ultrasound. I had just had one less than four weeks ago and it showed the four nodules. Nevertheless, he felt another one was necessary, so I had one done that day.
Now hold on, because the power of God is about to blast through your screen!!! I was notified the next day that my ultrasound was clear as a bell! No nodules, no fear of cancer, I still had an autoimmune disorder, but my doctor saw no reason why I wouldn’t be just fine if I took really good care of myself! WHAT?!?! I could not believe it! I was not dying! I still had a chance to live my life! This was God! He had heard my prayers along with so many others and had given me healing!
All of the sudden, the burdens of hopelessness, defeat, guilt, embarrassment, shame, worthlessness, everything…..I threw them out! Those names did not apply to me anymore. God had spared my life so it must have worth to Him. I must have worth to Him!
When I started putting on that coat of belief, my whole world changed. God had given me a second chance at life! He had always been right there watching and waiting through all that I had dealt with in my life. He knew what I needed to experience in order to know without a doubt that He was God!
So here I am five months later and I am doing great! I am crazy active with my work, my church and now this precious blog. I would have never had the courage to do this on my own, but I am no longer on my own. My God is by my side, this I know for sure! I am clay in the hand of the Creator!